Tom Brady Comedy Fun

When you spend a day looking across this vast wasteland that is the internet, you run into a wide variety of content that elicits every possible type of emotion you could have.  Recently, I think I found the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen.  It was an ad for porn that said, “Ugly and Horny” that popped up on the side of a more traditional genre of porn.  The picture under “Ugly and Horny” was just a sad looking lady..and the look in her eyes stole part of my soul.  Porn is already demeaning, but to have to be cast as “Ugly Lady” must be a real slap in the face.  I just imagine her walking into her first day at Porn (I assume porn is a corporation that you show up at like any job), and they put the porn genre Sorting Hat on her head, and she thinks she’s going to get something cool like “Parody Porns” or “Bus Orgies”, but instead the Sorting Hat bellows out “Get in the Ugly pile!” and she’s sadly walks over and climbs into a pile of ugly people who wait for their turn.  This is the Hufflepuff of porn houses if you wanted another Harry Potter reference. 

I prefer to think it wasn’t this bleak.  I like to think she chose this genre for herself.  Like she burst into some porn exec’s office and just started talking before they could say anything, and she’s like, “Look, I know I’m ugly, but I think there’s a market for us uggo’s!  I want to put uglies on the map!  I’m gonna take you to the top!  Look at this sad, ugly face I can make!  It’s hot in way, isn’t it?  You don’t know why, but you want this?!  Yes?!”  And that day, they weren’t sure if they could take that kind of risk.  The mom and pop porn studio was about to close down.  But they decided to take a chance on Gina because she had moxy, and that lady saved their business, and they were able to pay for little Johnny’s surgery and save the house. 

I hate how some porn tries to advertise itself as “BARELY LEGAL!” Like, I already feel gross looking at this, you don’t have to make me feel like I’m trying to get away with something illegal. 

That’s it.  I just felt like writing something because yesterday I watched Pain & Gain instead of functioning as an adult because I was too hungover to think. 

If you’re in Cincy, come see me at Go Bananas tonight.  If not, come see me in Bloomington next weekend with Jon Dore. 

My favorite song is “Landslide” from Fleetwood Mac.  I realized yesterday that the first time I ever heard it was in the children’s movie “Jack Frost”, where Michael Keaton dies and comes back as a Snow Man to tie up some loose ends with his family.  Our God is a cruel and twisted God, who would turn Jack into a snow man…knowing that he would only have as long as the winter lasted…and that that would be all the time he needed in order to give his widow and now fatherless son a little bit of closure. 

They play the song “Landslide” during the part right after Michael Keaton dies, and they need a montage to show his wife and son grieving, and getting to a place where they are emotionally stable enough to accept a snowman as their new father/husband figure.  At first, when I thought back to the fact that they chose “Landslide”, I was intrigued that they would choose such a lyrically mature song for this film…as it is one of the most depressing songs I’ve ever heard. 

“I’ve been afraid of changing…cause I built my life around you.” 

“Mirror in the sky, what is love?  Can the child within my heart rise above.  Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?  Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

It’s a song we can all relate to.  “Even children get older…I’m getting older, too.”  All of these lines murder me.  They entrusted these lyrics to children?  Maybe they were giving them to the parents?  Who knows.

But then I realized…there’s a line in the song…there’s a fucking line that goes, “And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills”, and they show the snow.   SNOW COVERED HILLS!  That’s the line.  That’s the reason.  It was a cute gesture…hey we’ve got a movie about a snow man…let’s use the most heart-wrenching song in the world in a kid’s move because it has the word “Snow” in it…people will think we’re clever! 

That song took away part of my childhood because they put it in a move I went to see when I didn’t comprehend the idea of death!  BECAUSE IT HAS SNOW IN IT! 

There’s no point to this post.  I’ve listened to the song “Landslide” about 15 times over the last 2 days, and when you do that on your iPhone, it automatically calls the suicide hotline for you.

Whenever I get samples at the grocery store, I feel like I have to act like I like whatever it is..as if I’m gonna go, “ew, this is terrible,” and the old lady is gonna be like, “Oh dear, I made these Doritos…”

Whenever someone responds to my long, thought out text or e-mail with a one word response, I’m gonna send them a handwritten letter that just says “k”.

Hopefully someday we won’t even have to call it gay marriage, and we can just call it marriage when gay people get married. But for now, it’d be fun if people stopped dropping the “gay” part out when speaking about it in the past tense. I want to hear people say “Yeah, me and John got gay married last fall.”

Life is just trying not to lose your mind while you’re losing your mind

Who wants to play wine pong? It’s where you drink a bottle of wine by yourself, and then bounce back and forth between sad and horny.

Just saw 2 business guys have this exchange. Guy 1: “Hey!” Guy 2: “Are you behaving?” Guy 1: “Behave is my middle name!” Guy 2: “Yeah, but your first name is “I don’t!” Guys 1 &2: (HUGE laugh). Why aren’t you killing yourself yet?! Let’s abandon this society and start a new one where you aren’t allowed to have bullshit interactions like that. I wish I could have just started throwing up violently while they were talking to really fuck up their weird 7th Heaven-esque moment. I feel like both of those guys are serial killers…because that sounded exactly like the shitty fake dialogue that Dexter has with people to seem normal.