Tom Brady Comedy Fun

When you spend a day looking across this vast wasteland that is the internet, you run into a wide...

Sat, 11 May 2013 17:04:30 -0400

When you spend a day looking across this vast wasteland that is the internet, you run into a wide variety of content that elicits every possible type of emotion you could have. Recently, I think I found the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen. It was an ad for porn that said, “Ugly and Horny” that popped up on the side of a more traditional genre of porn. The picture under “Ugly and Horny” was just a sad looking lady..and the look in her eyes stole part of my soul. Porn is already demeaning, but to have to be cast as “Ugly Lady” must be a real slap in the face. I just imagine her walking into her first day at Porn (I assume porn is a corporation that you show up at like any job), and they put the porn genre Sorting Hat on her head, and she thinks she’s going to get something cool like “Parody Porns” or “Bus Orgies”, but instead the Sorting Hat bellows out “Get in the Ugly pile!” and she’s sadly walks over and climbs into a pile of ugly people who wait for their turn. This is the Hufflepuff of porn houses if you wanted another Harry Potter reference.

I prefer to think it wasn’t this bleak. I like to think she chose this genre for herself. Like she burst into some porn exec’s office and just started talking before they could say anything, and she’s like, “Look, I know I’m ugly, but I think there’s a market for us uggo’s! I want to put uglies on the map! I’m gonna take you to the top! Look at this sad, ugly face I can make! It’s hot in way, isn’t it? You don’t know why, but you want this?! Yes?!” And that day, they weren’t sure if they could take that kind of risk. The mom and pop porn studio was about to close down. But they decided to take a chance on Gina because she had moxy, and that lady saved their business, and they were able to pay for little Johnny’s surgery and save the house.

I hate how some porn tries to advertise itself as “BARELY LEGAL!” Like, I already feel gross looking at this, you don’t have to make me feel like I’m trying to get away with something illegal.

That’s it. I just felt like writing something because yesterday I watched Pain & Gain instead of functioning as an adult because I was too hungover to think.

If you’re in Cincy, come see me at Go Bananas tonight. If not, come see me in Bloomington next weekend with Jon Dore.

My favorite song is “Landslide” from Fleetwood Mac. I realized yesterday that the first...

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 16:19:02 -0400

My favorite song is “Landslide” from Fleetwood Mac. I realized yesterday that the first time I ever heard it was in the children’s movie “Jack Frost”, where Michael Keaton dies and comes back as a Snow Man to tie up some loose ends with his family. Our God is a cruel and twisted God, who would turn Jack into a snow man…knowing that he would only have as long as the winter lasted…and that that would be all the time he needed in order to give his widow and now fatherless son a little bit of closure.

They play the song “Landslide” during the part right after Michael Keaton dies, and they need a montage to show his wife and son grieving, and getting to a place where they are emotionally stable enough to accept a snowman as their new father/husband figure. At first, when I thought back to the fact that they chose “Landslide”, I was intrigued that they would choose such a lyrically mature song for this film…as it is one of the most depressing songs I’ve ever heard.

“I’ve been afraid of changing…cause I built my life around you.”

“Mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above. Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

It’s a song we can all relate to. “Even children get older…I’m getting older, too.” All of these lines murder me. They entrusted these lyrics to children? Maybe they were giving them to the parents? Who knows.

But then I realized…there’s a line in the song…there’s a fucking line that goes, “And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills”, and they show the snow. SNOW COVERED HILLS! That’s the line. That’s the reason. It was a cute gesture…hey we’ve got a movie about a snow man…let’s use the most heart-wrenching song in the world in a kid’s move because it has the word “Snow” in it…people will think we’re clever!

That song took away part of my childhood because they put it in a move I went to see when I didn’t comprehend the idea of death! BECAUSE IT HAS SNOW IN IT!

There’s no point to this post. I’ve listened to the song “Landslide” about 15 times over the last 2 days, and when you do that on your iPhone, it automatically calls the suicide hotline for you.

Whenever I get samples at the grocery store, I feel like I have to act like I like whatever it...

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 19:36:26 -0400

Whenever I get samples at the grocery store, I feel like I have to act like I like whatever it is..as if I’m gonna go, “ew, this is terrible,” and the old lady is gonna be like, “Oh dear, I made these Doritos…”

Whenever someone responds to my long, thought out text or e-mail with a one word response, I’m gonna...

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 11:42:46 -0400

Whenever someone responds to my long, thought out text or e-mail with a one word response, I’m gonna send them a handwritten letter that just says “k”.

Hopefully someday we won’t even have to call it gay marriage, and we can just call it marriage...

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 12:47:19 -0400

Hopefully someday we won’t even have to call it gay marriage, and we can just call it marriage when gay people get married. But for now, it’d be fun if people stopped dropping the “gay” part out when speaking about it in the past tense. I want to hear people say “Yeah, me and John got gay married last fall.”

Help me raise money to end Alzheimer's, peas.

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 10:59:39 -0400

Help me raise money to end Alzheimer's, peas.:

melindo64:

Hey fraaaands. I’m participating in the Walk to End Alzheimer’s this year, and I need donations to make that happen. I know we’re all poor, but if every one of y’all donated just a dollar (does this tactic ever work) I would easily surpass my goal so please please please donate if you can! Just search for me (Melinda Kashner) and it will direct you to my page where you can donate. Thanks, and now for more pictures of cats!

Do this

Life is just trying not to lose your mind while you’re losing your mind

Sat, 14 Jul 2012 04:08:58 -0400

Life is just trying not to lose your mind while you’re losing your mind

Who wants to play wine pong? It’s where you drink a bottle of wine by yourself, and then...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 21:52:24 -0400

Who wants to play wine pong? It’s where you drink a bottle of wine by yourself, and then bounce back and forth between sad and horny.

Just saw 2 business guys have this exchange. Guy 1: “Hey!” Guy 2: “Are you...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 13:05:12 -0400

Just saw 2 business guys have this exchange. Guy 1: “Hey!” Guy 2: “Are you behaving?” Guy 1: “Behave is my middle name!” Guy 2: “Yeah, but your first name is “I don’t!” Guys 1 &2: (HUGE laugh). Why aren’t you killing yourself yet?! Let’s abandon this society and start a new one where you aren’t allowed to have bullshit interactions like that. I wish I could have just started throwing up violently while they were talking to really fuck up their weird 7th Heaven-esque moment. I feel like both of those guys are serial killers…because that sounded exactly like the shitty fake dialogue that Dexter has with people to seem normal.

Fuuuck. Forgot my headphones at the hotel, so I can’t loop the songs “Perch...

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 13:05:49 -0400

Fuuuck. Forgot my headphones at the hotel, so I can’t loop the songs “Perch Patchwork” and “The Charm” from Maps and Atlases 40x today at these classes to get through the day.

I ONLY trust people as far as I can throw them. That’s why I can only really be myself around...

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 01:20:06 -0400

I ONLY trust people as far as I can throw them. That’s why I can only really be myself around those Nerf Vortex footballs with the tail on the end for enhanced aerodynamics.

We’re all fucked, but it’s okay because we’re ALL fucked.

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 00:26:03 -0400

We’re all fucked, but it’s okay because we’re ALL fucked.

I’m not tired, and I’m by myself in Dallas, so I’m going to free write. Feel free...

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 00:50:26 -0400

I’m not tired, and I’m by myself in Dallas, so I’m going to free write. Feel free to skip over this. Just letting thoughts out. Whoooo. Thoughts. Fair warning, there is probably nothing in here that will be worth reading.

I just ate the worst shit. The only place that delivers after 10pm in Lewisville (Dallas), TX, is this shitty pizza place that looked okay on the brochure. I decided to get the lobster ravioli and a side salad.

It wasn’t good, and now it’s all over my shirt.

Today has been weird. I had to fly to Dallas today for work. I decided to get some music for the trip to make it FLY by. GET IT! FLY. BECAUSE I FLEW. HARHARHAR.

I randomly bought 2 albums from a band I’d never listened to after sampling some of their stuff. Maps & Atlases. You ever have one of those days that is defined by an album? Like you just loop the album all day, and when you remember back on the events of that day, you hear a song from that album? If anyone is 1 reading this, and 2 has heard of them Maps and Atlases, the albums are “Perch Patchwork” and “Beware and Be Grateful”. “Perch Patchwork”, “The Charm”, and “Fever” are my faves so far.

I’m in a strange mood. I have to be up in about 6 hours. I’m not tired at all. I’m full of gross ravioli, and I forgot to get an “itemized receipt”, so now my job isn’t going to cover that gross ravioli as one of my meals for the trip. Also I spilled it on my shirt.

I’ve been buying nicer clothes because of my new job, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I kind of wish people dressed up more in society. Someone asked me the other day if I was required to wear a tie at work. And I said no. But it is smiled upon.

I need to do something with the fact that I’m paranoid, and jealous, and sometimes I’m petty. Tom petty.

I haven’t drank in over a week. That’s the longest I’ve gone without drinking in about a year and a half. Before last week, I hadn’t gone more than maybe 2 days. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. I could use a break from drinking…although I’d be lying if I said this was by choice. I worry that I’m not as much fun when I’m not drinking. It’s not that drinking makes me more fun…it’s that not drinking makes me want to drink, and that bums me out a bit and makes me not fun. I also hang out in bars all the time, and then I wonder why I constantly want to drink. I just don’t know what else to do with my time. What do people do? What do people who don’t drink do for fun? To celebrate? Eat shitty lobster ravioli in a hotel by himself?

Not drinking has made me realize some things. One, I thought I hadn’t gotten sick in like a year (except for one weekend), but I realized that the problem was that since I was hungover everyday anyways, there wasn’t much of a way to tell when I was just having a headache or a stomach ache.

The other thing I realized is that it’s not totally alcohol that is to blame for my memory loss. I just can’t remember everything. That’s just the way it is. I thought the reason I couldn’t remember every part of my night vividly was because of alcohol. But I was wrong. It’s because I have a dumb brain.

There is nothing in here that is worth reading. So if you skipped to the bottom to see this, then you were right.

Goodnight friends and jerks

I’m not sexually frustrated. Just sexually disappointed.

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 11:48:47 -0400

I’m not sexually frustrated. Just sexually disappointed.

Shooting for Third: Just to set the record straight...

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 16:15:49 -0400

Shooting for Third: Just to set the record straight...:

kylekinane:

It’s pointless for me to continue addressing this issue, but it’s late and I’m sober and it’s still bothering me.

Yesterday, I was more or less cyber-jumped on Twitter by people who I was trying to help. Yes, the Colin Kane issue. Here he is, getting more free press, and I’m the one up late still…

I love Kyle Kinane. 1. Because he was so right. 2. Because he gives enough of a shit that he let the assholes of twitter get to him enough to write this. Don’t abuse the good people by not paying attention to context, internet jerks.

I was on the Todd Glass Show! Check it out!

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 17:44:33 -0400

I was on the Todd Glass Show! Check it out!:

I’m on the Live episode of The Todd Glass Show that came out today…I played Sandra VanGarden, the cat, and Daniel Kinno (the Kinno part is at the very end). The guest was my hilarious friend Geoff Tate. Josh Cocks makes a brief appearance, and my friend Mike Cronin plays Chris Hardwick. This was so much fun.

P.S. Sandra VanGarden is the lady who says, “Hello? Hellooo?” a lot because for whatever reason, she won’t talk to Todd, and she pretends she can’t hear him, even though she loves his show.

I just found this old YouTube message I got from a guy who saw one of my old videos, and wanted to...

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 17:30:39 -0400

I just found this old YouTube message I got from a guy who saw one of my old videos, and wanted to know some things about getting into comedy. He sent me like 5 of these…and they are all fucking insane. My favorite parts are when he speaks of “Acting a fool”, Dell, and whenever he says, “Not to brag.”

“Quicky Question bro-

Hey man look, I have this like Character bro. Since I was man.. before I can remember- I’ve been just acting, acting stupid, acting on my own. I’ll go in the mirror & just have a BLAST! for like 30 minutes straight, I will randomly get into characters I make up on the spot. I’ll talk to myself in these different characters etc.. Where or how can I find some sort of Fun Acting activity to get involved with? I met this actor once on a Music video set- he told me of a local “Improv Workshop” that was free, & went down every week. I forgot where etc.. But what would I google? I want to act a fool, I want to be around people that also act & act stupid & would enjoy my acting etc.. haha Around here at the house My parents always go “Here we go again…….” They’ll tell me to stop right when I start! I get sooo loud bro, I have to go in the bathroom, & even then they’re telling me to shut up.

So yeah, I want to be where I could enjoy doing this & have fun with it. Any suggestions? I don’t even know where to start. What would I look for? thanks man! I’m looking to have fun, meet up w/others that act stupid on impulse or what ever. Dude not to brag- I’d be a freakin Amazing Actor dude.. I use to P.A. (Was a runner for a film company.) Like 3 different times the director got me in the spot or what ever. One time they dressed me up like a clown for this Webesode series that never really went anywhere. It was fun though… The Director got to see how dumb I act just goofin around w/other P.A’s They had an Actor all lined up to be this Clown, they had me do it instead- it was a good feeling bro- To get like The entire Set laughing hysterically at me Improvising. Dude.. I had better ideas then the Director & Writers.. that’s why that crap went down the drain. Hundreds of Thousands of dollars dude! And even Dell was involved The Computer company.

Dell had it on their website for a while. Some people ripped it onto youtube. You can watch it if you want. It was called “The I.T. room” By Dell.

There are like maybe 50 Episodes or something. The best stuff didn’t make the cut, the funniest ones aren’t on youtube. And I was like a lot heavier back then bro, so bare with me.

And again, the Director & one of the writers had this really freakin Corny totally expected sense of humor.. I could have written that crap way way better. And Dell woulda been soo much happier.

I just found it under “the it room” the best ones aren’t even on here. I’m only in a few on here. One of them is “office clown” Dude you’d have to watch like all the episodes to get it… But the first one I was in, That same dude asked me to hand him a cup of water, I was supposed to throw his water on the ground. dude, instead I threw the water right in his face, then threw the cup at his chest- it was hilarious bro- whole freakin Set was laughing probably like 70 people there. It’s a fake Office/Set, W/like all these Extras not even being used. Felt good bro. Then they had me do a whole bunch of crap like that afterward. like throw that yogurt in his face, I throw so much crap at his face dude, tuna sandwich, paper cips, water, all kinda stuff. That dude was in that movie w/Llindsay Lohan- I seen him on the Previews. His name is Johnathan.

Alright man, my bad.. I can go on & on.. but dude, if you have a freakin idea let me know please.

thanks!”

………………………………………………..

Reading it again, I think the Lindsay Lohan thing was my favorite part. Also, understand, that I wouldn’t normally make fun of someone asking for help…this was a special case.

If Chris Bosh & the dinosaur that killed Newman in Jurassic Park aren’t the same person,...

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 15:20:58 -0400

If Chris Bosh & the dinosaur that killed Newman in Jurassic Park aren’t the same person, then how come I’ve never seen them in the same room together?! Or at all for that matter?!

In the olden days, a man could look so cool, sitting alone at a bar, drinking a glass of whiskey,...

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 21:25:58 -0400

In the olden days, a man could look so cool, sitting alone at a bar, drinking a glass of whiskey, pondering. Smart phones ruined that. Now I just assume that guy is playing Draw Something.

Does everyone have a favorite crying position? I think mine is on hands and knees like a...

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 11:56:11 -0400

Does everyone have a favorite crying position? I think mine is on hands and knees like a disappointed animal. I call it the Cry of the Tiger.